The Space Between

There is a space between what happens and what we decide to do next.

Sometimes it is only a few seconds.

A comment is made.

An email arrives.

Someone's tone changes.

A plan does not work out the way we expected.

We feel overlooked, misunderstood, disappointed, embarrassed, frustrated, or angry.

And almost immediately, we want to respond.

I have learned that some of my better decisions happen when I give myself a little more room between what I feel and what I do.

Not because the feeling is wrong.

Not because I need to pretend something did not bother me.

And not because silence is always the answer.

Sometimes something needs to be addressed.

Sometimes a boundary needs to be stated.

Sometimes the answer really is no.

But my first reaction and my best response are not always the same thing.

That space gives me time to ask:

What actually happened?

What am I assuming happened?

What part of this is bothering me most?

Am I responding only to this moment, or did this moment touch something older?

What do I want to happen next?

Those questions do not erase the feeling.

They help me understand what I am doing with it.

There have been times when I thought I was responding to someone's words when I was really responding to how their words made me feel.

Times when disappointment made something seem more personal than it was.

Times when frustration made me want an immediate answer to something that actually needed time.

There have also been moments when taking time confirmed that my original feeling was right.

I still needed to say something.

I still needed to make a change.

I still needed to establish the boundary.

The difference was that I could decide how I wanted to do it.

A pause does not always mean avoidance.

Sometimes it means intention.

We live in a world that encourages immediate responses.

Texts.

Emails.

Conversations.

Opinions.

Decisions.

There is an expectation that because we can respond quickly, we should.

But everything does not require an immediate answer.

Sometimes we need enough time to separate what happened from the story we immediately attached to it.

Someone did not respond.

That is what happened.

They do not respect me may be the story.

Someone disagreed with my idea.

That is what happened.

They do not think I am capable may be the story.

Something did not work.

That is what happened.

I always mess things up may be the story.

When there is no space between the event and our reaction, the event, the feeling, and our interpretation can become one thing.

Then we respond to all three.

Creating space allows us to separate them.

What happened?

How do I feel about it?

What have I decided it means?

What do I actually want to do next?

That last question matters to me.

I do not want every uncomfortable moment to have the power to decide who I become inside of it.

I can be angry and still choose my words.

I can be disappointed and still make a thoughtful decision.

I can be nervous and still move forward.

I can be hurt and still decide that the conversation deserves more than my first reaction.

And I can pause, think clearly, and still determine that something is unacceptable.

Taking time does not automatically change the answer.

Sometimes it simply allows the answer to truly belong to us.

That feels like growth.

Not becoming someone who never reacts.

Not becoming emotionless.

Not always saying the perfect thing.

Just becoming more aware that even when our feelings are strong, we still have choices.

There is power in that little bit of space.

Enough room to question the first story.

Enough room to understand what actually happened.

Enough room to remember who we want to be.

Enough room to choose a response instead of simply releasing a reaction.

Sometimes growth is not found in the big decision.

Sometimes it happens in those few quiet moments before it.

What could change if you gave yourself a little more space between what you feel and what you do?